Hello. This is your man Dave Hill, resident EarthQuaker Devices pedal expert, global pedal ambassador, and guy who is pretty sweet at pedals in general. You may remember me from such EarthQuaker Devices pedal demos as the Pyramids pedal and the Aqueduct pedal, what critics are calling “the pedal demos that make all other pedal demos seem like bullshit.” Or maybe you’ve just seen me at the free clinic. Whatever.

Anyway, I hope this blog post finds you safe, healthy, and attractive as ever. More importantly, I hope you are using this time to get as many pedals happening as possible in your guitar, bass, keyboard, or drum machine rig, ideally at the same time with all the knobs turned all the way up. If not, get your shit together and start! In the event that you do not play a musical instrument and perhaps just enjoy reading pedal websites for some weird reason, may I recommend simply buying whatever EQD pedals go with the color scheme of your home and placing them around various rooms the way you would a snow globe, cast iron sculpture of a majestic woodland creature, or a non-functioning hand grenade purchased as a joke but kept for serious reasons. Have fun with it. Alternately, you could take several pedals and put them in a wooden bowl and use it as a centerpiece on your dining room table, the way some people do with pine cones or those weird floral-scented balls popularized by women named Karen or Peg. It’s your call.

Before I get to the main event, I’d like to briefly shift the conversation to proper dietary requirements for optimal pedal usage. And while I pride myself on staying super ripped at all times, the truth when it comes to pedals is it’s best to put on as much weight as humanly possible so that your pedals will just turn themselves on at the mere suggestion of you stepping on them for fear of getting crushed (in fact, EQD’s flexi-switching was invented to simulate this very thing!). And it’s with that idea in mind that I’ve decided to start this important EQD recipe column where every week (or maybe just this one week since they probably won’t ever let me do this again after reading this) I will share with you a delicious recipe inspired by a different EQD pedal that I have come up with in my spare time away from counseling wayward youths in trucker chatrooms. Eat up, pedal lovers!

This week’s recipe is for my world-famous (as soon as this is published) Avalanche Run Salsa for Pedal-Loving Motherfuckers and Other People Who Aren’t Exactly Opposed to the Idea of Good Times All the Time (or simple “salsa” for those pressed for time). If I were any more excited about this recipe, I’d probably need to be tasered or perhaps just plain shot on sight. I can’t wait to tell you all about it. And I will. Eventually. But first, let’s talk about salsa in general. I realize there are all sorts of different salsas out there in the world today, some of them involving stuff like mango, black beans, and even little pieces of corn, perhaps the biggest what-the-fuck ingredient of all and everyone knows it. The reason I bring this is up is because, in the event that you are expecting to find any of those bullshit ingredients in my salsa recipe, you should probably just throw your computer in the trash right now cuz it ain’t happening. You want mango in your salsa? Go look at the Boss website or some shit - it is not my fucking problem.

Okay, let’s get started! Here’s what ingredients you will need to make salsa magic happen. Please be sure to wear a hazmat suit to the grocery store in the event that you don’t already have these items in your pandemic bunker. One of those giant foam cowboy hats would be cool too, but whatevs. Also, only use fresh ingredients or I will stab you. Haha. I am kidding. We are all friends and I would never hurt you unless you crossed me or looked at me the wrong way.

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 Avalanche Run (or Dispatch Master in the event that those pricks at your local music store are sold out of the Avalanche Run)

• 1 pound plum tomatoes (non-negotiable - you want to get some other kind instead you can fuck right off!)

• 1 half medium white onion (or red onion. See what I care)

• 2 serrano chiles

• 2 habanero chiles (if you want)

• 2 jalapeno peppers (Why not? if you already added the habaneros, you’re already screwed anyway)

• 2 ghost peppers (This will be funny)

• 2 scotch bonnet peppers (for color and further mouth and buttock pain)

• 6 cloves of garlic

• 8 sprigs cilantro

• 2 tablespoons cooking oil (or just some sort of oil not found in a garage)

• 1 teaspoon salt

• 1 lime (actually maybe not. Not sure really. Your call)

• 1 pack unfiltered Marlboro Reds

• 1 gallon tequila (any brand, preferably something Sammy Hagar or at least your friend Gary would approve of)

• 1 unwashed terry cloth bathrobe with at least one piece of used gum stuck to it

• 1 matted blonde or black wig

• 1 one of those shirts with the flames on it

• 1 prison-style tattoo of violent yet life-affirming phrase with at least one spelling error (please get this at least three days prior to salsa preparation)

• 1 Fender Twin Reverb

• 1 1959 Gibson Les Paul burst (or Dean Dimebag Darrell guitar if ’59 Les Paul not available)

• 1 bag tortilla chips or something

Once you’ve acquired the above ingredients, put on flame shirt and bathrobe and leave open to taste while placing wig on head at an angle that makes it difficult to see and causes concern in others. Then pour yourself a shot of tequila. Down it quickly and repeat as necessary. And it will be. After that, light up a cigarette and proceed to next steps. In the event that you don’t smoke for some reason, just focus on the tequila and all who have wronged you in the past. In the event that you neither smoke nor drink, simply hurl insults at an imaginary man named Ronnie in the next room who still owes you “that gotdamn money” even though motherfucker claims he doesn’t, which is bullshit and everyone at the laundromat knows it.

Next, chop up all the above technically edible ingredients. If you cut yourself and start bleeding while doing this, just keep going. Then, should you be capable, relieve yourself out the nearest window while screaming “Incoming!” In the event that you neglected to wash your hands before doing this, scream “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” as needed. Blame Ronnie for any and all pain you may or may not experience throughout.

Once the burning has died down, take at least one more shot of tequila, and combine all of the above ingredients in a blender for as long as it takes to get through the live version of Foghat’s “Fool for the City” while telling Ronnie he can “pack up his shit and get the hell out right now for you all you care!” Motherfucker has had it too good for too long and you’re tired of carrying his pathetic ass! Maybe a pushover like Carol will put up with his bullshit, but not you, not no more, so start packing, Ronnie.

Now pour salsa into a big-yet-slightly-too-small bowl while avoiding getting any cigarette ashes in it. Then again a little cigarette ash never killed anybody. That’s just science. Pour tortilla chips into another big bowl if you’re some kind of millionaire who owns two big bowls and thinks they’re gonna live forever.

Next, plug in guitar and Avalanche Run pedal, and turn on Fender Twin Reverb. Turn all available knobs on ten. Then drop the guitar with force on top of the Fender Twin Reverb and allow it to fall to ground with a thud that scares cats and other easily startled living things. As soon as an unbearable amount of lush, reverby and delayed looping feedback has begun to fill your home, grab salsa, chips, tequila, and cigarettes and head to front steps to eat while crying until the cops come. Continue telling Ronnie to “fuck off if he can’t at least pay his share of the damn cable bill” as needed.

Enjoy!

Your man,
Dave Hill

Dave Hill is a comedian and musician who plays in the bands Valley Lodge, Painted Doll, and Witch Taint. His new comedy album The Pride of Cleveland is out now on 800 Pound Gorilla Records. Get it here.

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