Ever since I started playing guitar at 12 years old, I struggled to feel like I fit in. As a young woman, I didn’t see myself represented in music. All my musical peers were boys, and all my teachers were men. The closest thing I could find to musicians that looked like me were cartoon girl groups with cat ears and leopard print tails or philanthropic multitaskers with hologram earrings. There were few, if any, human female bands taking up space in the mainstream. So when I discovered the self-esteem and leadership-based music camp Rock n’ Roll Camp for Girls Los Angeles as an adult I experienced a ping of nostalgic relief. I felt like a portal to my past had opened up and I could mentor girls in a way I hadn’t been. 

RCGLA deals with core issues like confidence and self-image in order to mentally accomplish the camp's daunting task of learning an instrument, forming a band, writing a song, and performing it at The Troubador - all in five days! Many of the students have never played an instrument before. As I began volunteering as a guitar instructor there I learned some illuminating truths that helped not only my students but also myself overcome obstacles in a timeline that I previously thought was impossible. So I’d like to abandon the platitudes and share with you the thoughts and actionable steps that have helped me break the spell of self-sabotage and get unstuck.

1. Just because it feels like you’re dying, doesn’t mean something's gone wrong.

Unless you want to live a life avoiding opportunities and numbing yourself then you’re going to have to do hard things. Challenging yourself means escaping your comfort zone for an unknown but ultimately growth-provoking experience. It’s normal to have fear and self-doubt. Taking a risk to learn a new instrument or write a song can be painful, but playing it safe might not be as safe as you think either. No one knows what's going to happen. That stable career you choose might soon be obsolete, or your partner might suddenly leave you and you find yourself starting over much later in life after never having lived the way you really wanted to.

Habit Hack: Write down what you want and put it somewhere you see every day. Studies show that writing down your goals increases your chances of achieving them by 42%.

2. It’s practice, it’s not personal.

If you’re anything like me, you’ve struggled to maintain a consistent practice routine. We often overestimate what we can do in a day and underestimate what we can do in a year. Schedules can be overwhelming. When we’re exhausted, it’s easy to wonder if 15 minutes of practice will really make a difference. Missing one session won’t make or break you, but showing up consistently is about demonstrating to yourself the kind of person you are. The power of taking small steps is in developing the habit, not immediately perfecting it. No one naturally knows how to play a barre chord or perfectly execute a double bend. This is the result of repeatedly doing a task. 

Habit hack: Create a specific practice plan and start small. Decide when, where, and what you’ll work on, then set a recurring alarm to keep yourself on track. Treat commitments with yourself the same way you’d treat them with a friend you wouldn’t want to disappoint. 

3. We have motivation backward.

We think that if we’re not excited to begin a difficult task then that’s a valid reason not to take action. But if we’re setting goals that challenge us, it’s reasonable to assume that we won’t always feel like doing them. Motivation is based on fleeting feelings of inspiration whereas healthy habits are developed by consistent behaviors. 

Have the best version of yourself plan your day the night before so you don’t have to negotiate with low energy in the moment. Behaving your way into being better than you were yesterday is one of the ways we can generate more energy for ourselves. 

Habit hack: Set SMART Goals. The acronym stands for Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-Bound. Having clearly outlined goals will help you conquer them.

4. Combat procrastination by raising self-esteem.

Often, it’s not the task itself that’s draining, but our thoughts about the task. In my experience, musicians don’t procrastinate because they’re lazy. They might be motivated to avoid projects because they’re attempting to manage high levels of anxiety. Research shows that rumination and a fixation on negative thoughts are directly linked to procrastination.

Common fears include not enjoying the task, performing poorly, or being judged by people. But we can’t only agree to be our authentic selves if everyone loves us and earth perfectly provides for us. Figure out what it is you’re actually avoiding when you’re delaying taking action and you’ll find a pathway open up. 

Habit hack: Implement opposite action. It’s exactly as it sounds and no, it’s not always easy. If you’re feeling afraid, you may feel the urge to escape or if you’re feeling sad you may want to isolate. Instead, behave the opposite way and you’ll begin to see a change.

5. Take Action.

It feels good to read something inspiring, but it can give us a false sense of movement. We live in a time where access to information has never been more free-flowing. You can easily Google any problem you have and find helpful tips on how to deal with the issue, but knowledge isn’t the problem; application is. It’s one thing to read about putting forth effort and another thing to do it. Emotional inertia can be debilitating. It’s easy to get caught up in procrasta-learning or stuck in paralysis by analysis, but learning to cope with being present long enough to change your behavior is the key. You don’t need a permission slip, you can do it now and you can do it imperfectly.

Habit hack: Get an accountability buddy. Reach out to a friend who also has a goal to conquer and check in on each other once a week. Aligning yourself with another person who's working towards a challenging task will normalize the struggle and help you stay on track. 

There’s no magical elixir that will dissolve the human condition for you. Doing hard things is hard. We’ll be happier if we can accept the necessary effort we need to put in to create the life we want. We don’t have to do it perfectly. Talent takes time but it comes with greater ease and joy if we foster empowered mindsets. 

Kelly Kathleen is a guitarist, bassist, songwriter, and contributing writer for BUST magazine @mskellykathleen

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